Maybe I Shouldn't Have Had You Yet

Maybe your name wouldn’t have been Ryder. Maybe it would have been James. James sounded like he was planned. He had parents who knew stuff like 529s and retirement plans. He could ask for a sister and his parents wouldn't flinch then change the subject. He could ask for a puppy, suddenly gain a four legged best friend, name him Max and the two live happily ever after. James will be alright. Could be because James’ mother didn't watch the rise and fall of his small body at night, wishing him into the future since he wasn't supposed to be there-just yet.

Here Lies Day 47 2016.

Now, usually I’ll be nervous about what I say in here for two reasons. First, somebody’s eyes will see this. *insert expletive threat*. Or-I won’t sound like a journal writer. Hence, even after reflection, I still wouldn’t be able to learn the daily lessons.

I Married A Jerk + It's Our Anniversary

I married a jerk. The moment I said “I do” is already 4 years ago and still there are times when I want to go back to moments like those; the other times. When you meet someone, your impression will change at three major points; when you date them, when you live with them, when you marry them. It suddenly isn't up to you anymore because chance is in control of that one in too many million shot at them being a certain type; the nice guy, the great guy, or like me,the jerk.

Here's What I Know For Sure

Here’s what I know; I’m all woman hellbent on finding my purpose,so I believe the craziness that I am a writer. I use phrases like “I am worthy,” to get through latter parts of my day. I accept all forms of compliments to knock down my persistent insecurities. I feel most nervous when in my home in front of my mirror remembering the used to be’s. I sin. I sin a lot. Sometimes even on a Sunday.And I don’t want the universe to ever say to me “ I told you so.”

Frontin' on Faith + The Time I Nearly Drowned

Faith was never easy.

The water had rushed into my mouth and panic tried to push it even deeper. A flash of red flapped and danced through the sputters and splashes on my way under the murky waters of Swan Lake and in true drowning fashion, I made contact with a head and shoved it under all in the name of oxygen. I didn’t want to die at The Running School.

See I Love You But...

An excerpt from my journal entry
Dec. 31. 8:13 AM

To Writing,

We have tumbled. We fought. We kicked at each other. One time you even held me in a chokehold long enough to spit out two chapters of story telling.

And then, you disappeared for a bit. It was normal though. You'd hide for a while, I'd come find you like “Hey! Come on back inside."  We'd laugh, then sit down and get creative.

Didn't happen that time.